Self-conciously purging...

So lately I've been having dreams where I wind up DE-facing myself. I always end up doing something which makes me look quite ugly, it's not painful or a physically hurting experience. It's an uncomfortable place to be in, as I feel that I shouldn't be feeling such a need to do it. But afterwards, I feel a lot calmer somehow. Don't freak, It's not that whole self-mutilation thing, because I don't need to feel physical pain in my dreams to be purged of whatever it is I'm trying to get rid of.

For example, I've dreamt about shaving my head a-la-Britney, and also lancing my face with a super long aestheticians lancing tool, hidden in a pink rifle bag. Yes, it was that long. I start to lance my face, and there's nothing actually on my face, like a pimple or boil. But as soon as I do lance it, this yellow stuff starts oozing out. And like I said, I feel uncomfortable for having to do it, as I know I'm not winning any beauty contests for it, and I guess you could say it temporarily makes me feel self-conscious, but I know I'm doing as a change for the better ?

Freudian I hear you say ?? Well I am inclined to agree, after the recent lack of activity with my mother and a very conscious effort to "let her go". The purging of a part of me seems rather fitting for what I am going through in my life, and even more so that it's an appendage or part that can always grow back. Perhaps it means there is a glimmer of hope. I Understand she's not going to change, but I need to extinguish that tiny hope that one day she will realise that I am so angry because of her treatment to me. I'm not going to cast her off, do not confuse that, and let me make that very plain. She is my mother. I love her. However she may have treated me.

But she is at a point where her actions, cause and effect or whatever you want to call it, are not even known to her, that they that ingrained in her psyche. And apparently nobody around her could bear to tell her, for fear of retribution, denial and a whole plethora of Medea like behavior. That is I suppose, where we beg to differ. I will acknowledge one fundamental difference however. I think it is a little easier for me to tell my mother she is sick and needs a lot of help given an entire ocean between us than if I were a spouse and living in the same bed. But at what price does your own dignity and relationships with the rest of your family have to suffer ?